I’ve raced a cumulative 524 km this year (so far). As of August 31st, I had climbed more elevation and run just shy of the total distance as I covered in all of 2016, in just 8 months. My numbers aren’t record-breaking, but they are record-breaking for me. And I feel like I’ve gotten away with it, until now. Luckily, I’m not injured! But I think I am just about burnt to a crisp.
It drives me absolutely bonkers to admit that I am struggling to return to 100% or even 70 or 80%. Against the advice of any running-related literature I’ve ever read, I’ve made a habit of cramming several races into a calendar year, encouraged by the fact that I’ve never felt like I’ve really suffered for it. In fact, I think I’ve always gotten a kick out of being able to bounce back and recover quickly in situations where I should not be able to. It’s become part of the challenge and measure of success for me. I’ve openly been entering events that will test how far and fast I can run (I mean, isn’t that the point?). I’ve also subconsciously been chasing after my limit of just how much I can handle, and now that I’ve found it, I’m not really sure what to do.
After running Sinister 7 in July, I was very very tired and about as sore as you’d expect, but I was infused with a new energy to take on bigger challenges and a confidence in my abilities that I had never felt before. I had to take a few days off running after the race and it was about two weeks before I felt like my body fully caught up with my mind, but recovery felt fast and easy. It wasn’t long before I resumed normal workouts and weekend adventures in the mountains. I was even setting personal records and achieving goals I had chased for many months. I had so much energy that I felt like I needed a giant objective to tide me over between S7 and SQ50, so Stef and I did the Banff McTrio! We climbed Cascade, Rundle and Sulphur, running to and between each mountain and book-ending the 70km, 4500m+ vertical day with McMuffins and Big Macs at McDonalds. Yummay.
Then, I ran the Squamish 50/50 almost three weeks ago. Fuck, I haven’t written about this yet, but the short version is that I had an awesome race weekend and did exactly what I set out to do: finish both days, and the whole weekend, with no gas left in the tank. While my race plans unfolded almost flawlessly, my recovery has not gone according to plan. Probably because I didn’t really have a plan, and I didn’t expect it to actually be hard.
Real-talk time: I feel like absolute shit, I’ve never felt this generally bad in my whole life. I feel like a zombie shuffling through each day, like I woke up with a hangover that has somehow lasted three weeks. Every day that I have to accept that I need to rest more compounds my frustration and sends me deeper down into this hole. I wake up tired and groggy. I almost constantly feel dehydrated, despite drinking 3-4 liters of water per day and I often feel nauseous. I walk around and run like one of those stupid Robaxacet puppets as if I have pins stuck in random places of my body, impeding my mobility. I’ve scaled my mileage way back and even dragged my ass to a few yoga classes, but have been caught off-guard by the fact that I still feel like I’m doing too much. I crashed and burned in a hyperventilating pile of tears after one interval in last week’s Dirtbags workout. Mentally, I am exhausted, and I don’t think I have any more fucks left to give right now.
This is not me having a sissy-girl pity party (okay, it is a little bit of that), this is me admitting that hey, I am unfortunately not a robot or superwoman. I am human and I struggle sometimes, and I am working hard to accept that as okay, which is not easy. In the sport of ultra running, we spend so much time training our minds to override what our body is feeling or telling us. Your mind can quiet tired legs, silence screaming blisters on your feet, and rally burning quads to pick up the pace, even when it hurts. A strong mental game is what lets people cover seemingly ludicrous distances and it drives people to refuse to give up just because they feel pain, or because something feels difficult. You have to tell yourself that you are capable of anything, believe that you can handle whatever is thrown your way and eliminate quitting as an option.
After working so hard to build a bulletproof/no-excuses/never give up mentality, accepting that I need a break feels like failing or quitting. As I’ve trained it to do, my brain is resisting the idea of taking on less and I toggle between telling myself “Dude, you need to chill” and “DUDE YOU CAN PUSH THROUGH IT!”. Speaking of brains, my brain is also tired. I think we only have so much mental bandwidth, and I feel like I’ve exceeded my limit. On top of signing up for a bagajamillion races this year, my workload, travel schedule and resulting stress levels have also reached new heights and my state of mind has simulated a volcano ready to explode for the majority of the summer. It has erupted several times, in fact. For example, my flight back from a work trip last week got delayed an hour and instead of saying OH WELLZ and chilling with a glass of wine like a normal person, I sat down on the airport floor and cried like a child. I’ve been trying to put 100% of my energy into accomplishing my running goals, another 100% into trying to kick ass at my job and then expecting to put another 100% into being a functional adult and that’s like…..way more percent than I really have. Yes, I did that math myself.
I didn’t write this to complain about how hard my life is. My life is not hard, its actually pretty awesome and I’m lucky. I have had countless incredible adventures this summer, I have a challenging job that while stressful, is teaching me a lot and giving me a huge opportunity to grow, and I have a better support network of friends and family than I could dream up myself. I wrote this because I don’t want to pretend that I am invincible or immune to burnout. There are so many people pulling off crazy shit in the ultra community that we are expecting more and more of ourselves. While I am still convincing myself to believe it, it’s okay to feel like you’re in over your head sometimes, and it’s okay to say it. It’s always fun to write about when things go well, but it’s equally important to be honest when things aren’t going all that well.
The only problem is that I am signed up for a 100km race today, the Finlayson Arm 100km. It seemed like a good idea when I signed up: three weeks will be plenty of time to recover from a 130km weekend with 6000m of climbing, and you’ll be in such good shape! I often do marathons only three weeks apart, this will be no problem. You. IDIOT. Yeah, I don’t think I would make this choice again. There are probably people that could handle this and wouldn’t think twice about it, good for them (I mean, I hate them, but good for them)! I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hesitant about toeing the start line, but I’m going to try. I’ve booked flights, the course is going to be spectacular, and I am so close to accomplishing a huge goal: qualifying for UTMB 2018/2019. I signed up for Sinister 7 (6 points), Squamish 50/50 (you get 4 points for the 50 miler) and if I can just finish Finlayson, I’ll get the last 5 points I need and be eligible to enter the lottery for 2018 and 2019. (I may or may not have thought you had to get all the points in one year, later realizing I could have actually earned them over two years. Minor detail). I hope being so close to my goal will be the thing that keeps me going this weekend, the reminder of why I am doing it. Watching the UTMB extravaganza unfold this past weekend provided a spark that will hopefully be enough to light a fire under my ass and just get er’ done.
Then, I’ll take the wise words of Emily Compton: I need to chill. Last month I was so close to pulling the trigger to sign up for the Golden Ultra 85km stage race later this month, that I even reached the payment screen. I’m so glad I bailed, I really don’t think I can handle anything else that big right now. See? I’m learning. My goals to cover a certain distance or elevation every week will soon turn to baking pumpkin-flavored things, committing to a yoga class at least once a week, larch-marching, maybe I’ll finally do my taxes, go for a perfect 10/10 toenails, who knows! I’ll chill out and hibernate, and when I reemerge, watch out world.
This one time I went running 